


Great Bard

by rocketpen



Category: BanG Dream! Girl's Band Party! (Video Game)
Genre: haha im on a roll lol, i guess, my third fic uwu
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-28
Updated: 2018-09-28
Packaged: 2019-07-18 14:52:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 321
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16120790
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rocketpen/pseuds/rocketpen
Summary: Close your eyes and picture Kaoru Seta.





	Great Bard

**Author's Note:**

> I felt really inspired today when I stumbled over this here!!
> 
> http://clarabeau.tumblr.com/post/118886683102/theyankeecandle-madame-vashtranerada

Kittens, I am holding out my hand. Do you trust me?

I need you to open Google Maps. Locate your nearest Shopping Mall. Go to your nearest subway station. Get to Ryuseido.

Past the constant evergreen lines of bonsai, near the back of the store past the giant Michelle statue, you will find a trash pile Woman Candle section. You will see candles called MMM, Carrots. Riding Mower. Ikeman Town. (I'm not kidding. Ikeman Town.) Stay strong. Not in this section, but likely very near this section, you will find a candle called Great Bard.

Hold this jar in your hands like a talisman. Close your eyes and picture Kaoru Seta.

I want to be clear: I'm not talking about a Tomoe Udagawa. Or a Sayo Hikawa, a Misaki Okusawa, even a Tae Hanazono. This exercise requires someone in the Michelle weight class. The Saya Yamabuki department. Someone with smile lines around her eyes who could chop the cedar for your bower with her own hands, strangle an alpha wolf, carry you home when you sprain your ankle in the woods, bench press your entire body. Picture this woman in your mountain home with those handsome angular cheekbones, a slightly wrinkled black vest, a fond half smile she reserves only for you as she recites Hamlet. Now open the lid and smell Great Bard.

Steady yourself on the woman candle display. Give yourself a second. No, you're not wrong. Yes, Ryuseido has just eliminated the need for men. This medium tumbler Great Bard candle jar is now your girlfriend. Ryuseido has effectively replaced the fleeting need for contact with the rest of our species with a compact and clean-burning candle in a jar.

"Do you like this one?" Arisa's grandma asked, ringing me up.

"Every woman should be required by law to smell like what this candle smells like," I replied intensely.

"That'll be $6.90," she said.

-Rimi Ushigome 2018


End file.
